Lukas' Hair Cult
by NguyetMieu
Summary: (crack) The New Order of the Stone admire Lukas' shiny, golden and supposedly beautiful hair. Axel is having a field day.


**Disclaimer** **:** **I** **own** **nothing**

* * *

"You have pretty blond hair."

When the ex-Ocelots leader thought about the mess that he had somehow gotten himself into, the conversation with Petra always sprung into mind. They were in what would be Beacontown, two months after the defeat of the Witherstorm and Petra had roped him into helping her gathering materials for the town's reconstruction.

"Excuse me?" He remembered blurting out incredulously, hands stop swinging his pickaxe for fear of accidentally whacking into his face with it.

"You have pretty blond hair," Petra replied seriously as if speaking to a deaf child, "It's even prettier than mine. Or Jesse. Or pretty much anyone in town."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment? 'Pretty' isn't a word to describe a guy's look, you know?"

Petra shrugged before returning to mine away cobblestone aimlessly, "Dunno. Somehow 'handsome' just doesn't feel right."

Lukas huffed in annoyance before turning back to his own business, and the conversation soon was forgotten. It wasn't until he met Jesse as an up-and-coming author slash Jesse's trusted interior designer when he felt that this was just wrong on so many levels. Not that it wasn't already.

"I'm jealous, Lukas. Your hair is just so smooth and pretty. Mind giving me some tips on how to take care of your hair?"

The blond in question nearly dropped his blueprint in the newly installed fireplace as he whipped his head around to see Jesse staring intently at his hair. "Jesse, what the hell?!"

"I know, right?" Jesse continued, completely missing Lukas' exclamation for something else, "You did appear as the 'mysterious and cool' guy at first, but over time, it just kinda...wear off you know? Especially when we saw how uncool you were in battle."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jesse." Lukas deadpanned.

"No problem, pal." Not giving time for Lukas to correct that was sarcasm, Jesse continued, "So about the bed in my room..."

* * *

Lukas drew the line of this insanity when Ivor bashed his window open three in the morning and demanded to know his hair caring tips supposedly for a lab-related experiment.

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you people and my hair?!" The journalist snapped, feeling as irritable as pretty much anyone who was interrupted from their peaceful sleep, three in the morning by an Ivor landing on their stomach.

"How would I know, blondie?" Ivor grumbled, "Be grateful I actually bother to spend time questioning you instead of focusing on my research. There is some tea in the cabinet, help yourself to it. Make yourself at home."

"This is _my_ house!" Lukas cried. "If anything, _you_ should be the one who _shouldn_ ' _t_ be making yourself at home!"

Ivor grumbled all the while sipping at his tea. "Take a chill pill, brat! Just tell me how do you care for your hair already so I can leave."

"I just shampoo and wash it like other people." Lukas tiredly said, "Please kindly show yourself to the door."

As Ivor did just that, Lukas fell back onto the mattress, groaning and turning and mumbling incoherent sentences. Curse Ivor for his stupidity. Or maybe geniusness. Or maybe Lukas has finally gone crazy since he was actually thinking about praising _Ivor_ of all people.

* * *

Olivia was the one who decided to pester him about his hair next when they ran into each other at the market. Literally.

They chatted on the way to the cashier with Lukas stopping by several aisles to get more food and papers for his journal. He kept sensing her trying to steal glances at him, or rather, what was in his basket. Finally had enough, Lukas asked her with an arched eyebrow.

"You have been staring at me for the past twenty minutes now. What's up with that?"

Olivia blushed, embarrassed at being caught staring so blatantly. She coughed into her fist, trying to diffuse the awkward silence between them. "It's...nothing, really. I'm just curious as to what type of hair product do you usually buy?"

Lukas could feel a vein popped on his head. ' _Calm_ _down_ , _Lukas_. _You_ _can_ _do_ _this_. _You_ _can_ _resist_ _punching_ _your_ _friend_ _no_ _matter_ _how_ _tempting_ _it_ _seemed_.' Outwardly, he smiled, "I used the Smoothie Silk Shampoo made from organic materials. Why do you ask?"

"I see. Thanks." Olivia grinned. "Just curious. You've always had the prettiest hair out of all of us, so yeah."

Lukas' face immediately soured at the mention of his supposedly smooth and beautiful hair. Honestly, why is everyone so obsessed with it? He was pretty sure he only cares for it about as much as everyone else does.

"I...see." Lukas 's smile was strained because he didn't see it. Really.

* * *

At dusk, Jesse's newest assistant, Radar, called him while he was taking a shower.

"U-Um hello, Lukas sir. I-I just want to ask you a question on behalf of Beacontown's Order of the Stone fan club about-"

Lukas cut him off abruptly. "If you are going to ask anything about my hair, I advise you to hang up now for the sake of your wellbeing and my sanity."

Radar immediately hung up.

Lukas slapped a watery palm to his face with a resounding smack; to think he'd actually waste precious time in the ever warming shower for this.

And indeed, he was only clad in a semi-wet white towel with water droplets dripping on the floor, showing his tone body with muscles in perfect place and proportion. Lukas fangirls, you can collapse with a nosebleed now. And you're welcome.

* * *

Lukas finally reached his breaking point next week, when he was walking around the town to design the final layouts.

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh! That's—Lukas. _The_ Lukas! He's the one who had blinded the Witherstorm with his flashy smooth hair for Jesse the Hero to smack its tentacles with his sword just after the thing was created!"

"You're right! That's him! But I thought he was the one whose hair charmed Magnus and won the throne to the King of Boom Town?"

"Hold on, that's the man alright, but wasn't he the one whose hair was used to fetch the sword and gave it to Jesse?"

"I don't know man. But he does have beautiful hair. Just look at those gorgeous blond locks."

Another one in the crowd gasped. "Oh God...I know him! He is the legendary 'Golden Haired Kitten', the one who won the Endercon competition just before the Witherstorm attacked! But...wouldn't that make Jesse and him rivals then?"

"You don't think...oh my God...Are they together?!"

"Holy cow-Bella, you might be onto something there! It does fit, actually; the proteges of the greatest engineer and rogue known to mankind, the fearsome Dealer of Darkness Petra, whose work efficiency rivals Jesse's own. The Golden Haired Kitten with the most beautiful hair in the entire kingdom. And finally, the Slayer of the Witherstorm himself! What a fearsome team they make! No wonder the Witherstorm was slain!" A cowboy hat civilian whispered in awe.

"That's it; it's now or never!" Not giving her friend a chance to question what's wrong, Bella ran up to Lukas and exclaimed, "Golden Haired Kitten, sir, may I request an autograph from you?"

Not giving Lukas time to question about the ridiculous nickname, her friend spoke up, "Y-Yeah, me too! We've heard a lot about your heroic deeds, and have been one of your most devoted fans ever since! It would be a great honor to be able to receive your autograph!"

"Us, too! Please give us an autograph!"

"Hey, no fair! I want one too!"

Things kept rolling like that and before he knew it, Lukas had a horde of fan chasing after him, yelling things that are outrageously impossible like how the team fed on his hair in the dirt shelter when they were so hungry that they'd eat anything, them shooting down a giant ghast using his hair as a mirror to blind it, to the Witherstorm cried itself helplessly when it spots Lukas' hair shining brighter than the sun.

Cue his current condition, hiding under a haystack and cursing every single deity he knew. And his friends too. It's their fault; his hair was not that silky smooth and beautiful.

"There he is, Lukas sir!" Someone yelled and Lukas winced. Are these people animals? How could they sniff him out so well? The hay he's hiding under was the same color as his hair, for goodness's sake!

Apparently, one of the people chasing after him voiced the same question when the one who yelled his name whacked him upside the head. "You fool! No amount of worthless hay would be enough to cover the great 'Golden Haired Kitten' 's brilliance shine! How dare you even insinuate that ridiculous notion?!"

The other people who caught up in time to listened to the guy's statement slowly burst into manly tears and sniffed, "My God...you are absolutely right...How could us mortals make such a grave mistake?! Sir Axel did tell us in one of his speeches that nothing short of gold itself will be able to cover Sir Lukas' brilliance. How foolish of us!"

"Hold the damn phone!" Lukas, who had given up trying to hide from the mob of consisted of around fifty people, slowly stood up from the haystack and asked incredulously. "What was that about Axel giving speeches about me?!"

"You don't know, sir?" One of them asked, aghast. "Great Sir, Sir Axel was the founder of the 'Smooth 'n' Sexy Lukas' hair' cult. Twice a week, he would give speeches about how great you and your hair are, giving us the light to the darkness of this world. Sir Axel is truly a savior! A Messiah!"

' _Axel_...' Lukas felt unholy rage bubbled inside him as the people swarmed around the poor blond, all determined to get his autograph while questioning about his hair-caring tips. ' _You_ _rat_ _bastard_ , _I_ ' _m_ _going_ _to_ _make_ _sure_ _you_ _suffered_ _through_ _the_ _seven_ _deepest_ _levels_ _of_ _hell_ _before_ _dragging_ _you_ _out_ _and_ _start_ _over_ _again_. _ARGHHHHHHHH_!'

* * *

Unbeknownst to Lukas, Axel was sitting comfortably in his room, counting all the money he'd made by selling Lukas' hair poster. It had a picture of Lukas flipping his hair arrogantly to the left with the title saying 'Handsome Guys are All About the Hair' on top. "183 ingots...184 ingots...185 ingots...185 gold ingots! I'm rich, baby!"

Told you Axel would get his revenge for the Endercon competition. And if Lukas got molested by his fans in the process, that's just a small price to pay.

* * *

 **A** **/** **N** **:** **Boredom** **is** **a** **really** **dangerous** **thing** **,** **it** **was** **what** **influenced** **me** **to** **write** **this** **ridiculous** **one** **shot** **XD**

 **This** **is** **just** **crack** **.** **Pure** **crack** **.** **Please** **don** **'** **t** **flame** **me** **if** **you** **happens** **to** **be** **one** **of** **the** **more** **'** **devoted** **'** **Lukas** **fangirl** **.**

 **How** **was** **it** **?** **Please** **comment** **!**


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